One of the most important skills in dating is distinguishing between dealbreakers (non-negotiable requirements) and preferences (nice-to-haves). Research from relationship psychology shows that successful couples typically share 5-7 core values, not 20+ surface-level traits.
What Are Dealbreakers?
Dealbreakers are fundamental incompatibilities that would make a long-term relationship unsustainable or unhappy. These are typically values-based, not preference-based.
Examples of True Dealbreakers:
- •Different views on having children: Wanting kids vs. not wanting kids is a fundamental incompatibility
- •Incompatible life goals: One person wants to live abroad, the other is committed to staying in hometown
- •Core value misalignment: Fundamentally different beliefs about honesty, integrity, or respect
- •Substance abuse or addiction: Active addiction without seeking help
- •Abuse or manipulation: Any form of emotional, physical, or psychological harm
What Are Preferences?
Preferences are qualities you find attractive or desirable, but they're not essential for compatibility. Research shows that being too rigid about preferences significantly limits your dating pool without improving relationship outcomes.
Common Preferences Often Mistaken for Dealbreakers:
- •Height: Preferring someone tall vs. actually needing height for compatibility
- •Income level: Wanting high earner vs. needing financial responsibility
- •Physical appearance: Specific body type vs. mutual attraction
- •Education level: Specific degree vs. intellectual compatibility
- •Hobbies/interests: Sharing every interest vs. respecting each other's passions
The Research on What Actually Matters
A comprehensive study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology analyzed over 2,500 couples and found that relationship satisfaction was primarily predicted by just 5-7 key factors:
What Predicts Success
- ✓ Emotional intelligence
- ✓ Communication skills
- ✓ Shared core values
- ✓ Mutual respect
- ✓ Conflict resolution ability
- ✓ Compatible life goals
- ✓ Physical/emotional intimacy
What Doesn't Predict Success
- ✗ Height difference
- ✗ Income level (above baseline)
- ✗ Educational credentials
- ✗ Shared hobbies
- ✗ Physical appearance
- ✗ Age gap (within reason)
- ✗ Similar personality types
How to Evaluate Your Own Standards
The Dealbreaker Test
For each of your dating criteria, ask yourself:
- "If someone was perfect in every other way but lacked this quality, would I still reject them?" If yes, it's a dealbreaker. If no, it's a preference.
- "Does this quality predict long-term compatibility or just initial attraction?" Compatibility matters more than attraction for lasting relationships.
- "Am I holding others to standards I don't meet myself?" Double standards often reveal preferences, not dealbreakers.
Action Steps
List Your Current Standards
Write down everything you look for in a partner. Be honest and comprehensive.
Categorize: Dealbreaker or Preference?
Use the Dealbreaker Test above to sort each item into either category.
Test in Real Life
Give people who meet your dealbreakers but not all preferences a chance. You might be surprised.